I'm glad today's over. I survived today by God's grace. It's been a rough day... in fact, a rough season. One that is filled with heartache and disappointment but also exponential growth, learning and knowing that God is right here with me.
I'm really exhausted right now but I still want to take this time to pen down some thoughts. As stormy and complex as life might be, this is a journey that I've taken by faith and I know that God is good no matter what comes my way.
It seems that God has been tugging at my heart over a few matters in this season; shaping and teaching me important lessons - some new lessons, and some old ones too.
Be still. There's just so much happening each day. Being the highly-sensitive person I am, things just overwhelms me so easily. I can only handle this much, and so I choose to place everything in God's care, trusting that He will lead me through just like He had always done so. Also, being the easily distracted and forgetful person I am, being intentional in keeping still and worshipping God have helped me to focus on Him. "And the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace." Every time I reach the end of my rope, I pause wherever I am and let God take the wheel. He has never failed to do the amazing each time.
Disappointment. Been dealing with a lot of this lately. In my darkest and lowest moments, I believe God was there with me. He met me at where I was, at my point of need. He comforted and strengthened me so that I could rise above it and soldier on. Today, I felt a heavy weight of disappointment (with a slight shock too) over something. Yet strangely, after I prayed quietly in my heart to God about it, I was able to step out to deal with the matter wisely, timely, with peace and composure. The outcome was really good and I give God the glory for being at work in our lives.
Disobedience. It is awful and it hurts. I did my best, gave my best, loved to my best, for this child, but he/she still chose to be disobedient for reasons. It made me think of the times where I was disobedient. It likely caused a deep sense of hurt and disappointment to the other person. I've done so countless of times to God too. But why hasn't He gotten tired of me yet? Why does He still bother to pick me up again and again each time I fall even if it's because I chose to disobey or do the very things that I know I shouldn't? Why hasn't he given up on me?
A love that never gives up on me. Such enduring and unfailing love. One that is beyond my human understanding. He loves me, loves us, with a love like that. I don't know why but that's how great God's love is.
The song "Blessing" by Laura Story has been on replay for me. It speaks a lot to me in my current season. Almost every line gets me in my feels.
" 'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?
And what if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst
This world can't satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise"
I'm glad we made it through today. And we will conquer tomorrow as well. Together.
Before I go off, can I humbly ask that you pray for me that God will strengthen me, grant me wisdom, and that I will continue to hold fast to Him no matter what comes my way? Could you also pray for my colleagues and children, especially our older boys, that we will experience and know that God is real and near us?
Thank you so much.
Goodnight!
In His good hands,
Bella